Mid Week Cooper

I backed this horse at twenty to one.
It came in at half past four.
It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.' 
 

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 So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
 

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
 
 

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 I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
 

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Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'. 
 

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 Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'
 

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I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.
 
 

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 I went to the doctor the other Day, I said to him "I've broken my arm in several places.
He said to me "you shouldn't go to those places"
 

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'Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaggh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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 I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

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 I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace. 
 

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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"