How to Become a Number One Fan
- By Sean Lind on March 21, 2011 22:12 GMT
It’s one thing to like sports, but it takes a significant level of commitment and dedication before you can truly call yourself a fan.
Rising to the top spot as a team’s number one fan takes an entirely different level of commitment altogether.
If you want any shot at being a true #1 fan, you need to love your team above all else, including (but not limited to): family, dignity, reason, practicality and self-preservation. Once you’ve mastered the steps below you’ll be well on your way to becoming the true #1 fan, and achieving all of the glory that comes with it.
By glory, I mean standings-based mood swings and a potential five seconds of airtime during a match broadcast.
The road to becoming a number one fan can’t be travelled in half-measures. If you want to be a #1 fan you need to jump in with both feet, after all this guide is not “How to be a Number Three Fan” now is it?
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Step 1: Go to Every Game
A true fan never misses a home-game. A number one fan goes to away games and spends whatever time or money it takes to get a seat for the biggest games of the season. If you’re not willing to camp out for days to acquire tickets you don’t have what it takes to be a number 1 fan.
Rain or shine, sleet or hail, facilities or diapers... you will be there at the front of the line to get your ticket. And no, you will not get extra tickets to scalp: love and respect for your holy team always trumps making a quick pound (or a K).
Step 2: Become Emotionally Invested
Anyone can cheer, celebrate and party when things are going well, but any potential number one fan needs to completely forgo any control over their own emotions, letting the results of their squad dictate how they feel at all times.
Regardless of being a man, woman, adult or child a number one fan is never afraid to cry in public when all hope has been lost. The harder you weep, the more it shows you care. In fact, you should occasionally take covert glances around the stadium between sobs to ensure you’re crying harder, louder and longer than anyone else.
Step 3: Paint your Face
While painting your chest is cool, a true fan will also paint their face. Especially when it’s into the playoffs, you have to let the team know you’re out there.
When considering face painting it’s important to remember that less is less; you can never use too much paint. The less skin remaining untouched, the better off you are; you’re going for complete facial coverage, anything less simply won’t do.
Step 4: Never Take off your Jersey
As a number one fan there is no acceptable time for removing your jersey. The good news is that sports jerseys are both comfortable and fashionable for all occasions.
After all, who’s going to show support for the team at your wedding if not you? Any girl worthy of becoming a wife will understand the golden rule: the team comes first.
Really, she shouldn’t allow you to wear anything else.
To get an idea of the level of commitment needed to encroach on number one fan territory, a 12 year old boy in America just took off his NFL Brett Favre Jersey after wearing it for 1,561 consecutive days. He only stopped because he out-grew it. Seriously.
As an afterthought, there is one time when it’s ok to remove your replica sweater: when you’re actually at the match, and you want to display your chest painting and/or tattoo. Conversely this is the only time when non-true-fans will actually wear their replicas, separating the wheat from the chaff.
Step 5: Dress the Part
You’ve heard the cliché “dress for success” before. If you want to be the number one fan, you need to dress the part. Your obsession should trump any and all need for such things as cleanliness or hygiene, your only goal being to maximize the support of your team at all times.
As a bonus, this step will prevent you from having to put up with any boring conversations or associations with anyone from the general public. This will help keep you firmly rooted in your world of fan-dom.
Step 6: Share the Good Word
You love your team, because your team is the best.
Since they’re undoubtedly the best team alive, it should be your mission to spread the word of sport to the lost souls out there. You can print pamphlets, give sermons, preach from a soapbox... or film yourself rapping on your webcam and post it on YouTube.
Don’t worry, with autotune you don’t need to understand things such as pitch or tone just make noise, form a few words, and you’ll be just as legit as T-Pain in no time.
Better yet, why not start an entire channel dedicated to spreading the good word, that way you can write a new song for every match.
Step 7: Start Early (Brainwash your Kids)
Just like anything in life, being a number one fan takes practise. The younger you are when you begin your quest to the top echelon of fan-dom, the more practise and experience you’ll have when it really counts.
Since it’s too late to start early for anyone reading this blog (I’m pretty sure we don’t have much of the age 2-6 audience on our site) it’s your job to brainwash your kids. If you make it to being the number one fan, you’re going to need to pass the mantle down to your heir one day; it would be negligent not to prepare them accordingly.
Also, if you don’t make it to the top spot yourself starting your kids off at a young age will be the easiest way to achieving your goal through them. Remember, you can never push your kid too hard, the harder you push the more it proves you love your team.
In fact, you might as well name your kid after the team, much like this Everton loving couple. Just don’t wuss-out with hyphens, what could be more beautiful than legally naming your child: The Bolton Wanderer?
Step 8: Lead the Fight
Your team is the best, you don’t doubt it. And since you’ve already begun spreading the good word (remember Step 6?) the whole world should begin to agree with your point of view. Those who don’t agree, and worship the false idols of the other teams, need to be converted or destroyed.
While everyone involved in the above brawl is undoubtedly a fan (or a simple hooligan looking for an excuse to rumble), a true number one fan would have been on the front lines of the above brawl, face painted, charging forth with a terrifying war-cry like some sort of footballing William Wallace.
Step 9: Fully Commit
The only thing worse than failing, is failing because you didn’t give it your all. If you’re going to make a move at being a number one fan, you need to fully commit. This Boston Celtics fan did just that. Sure, he’s not wearing a jersey, has no body parts painted and even looks bored, but when the time came for him to shine, he went all-in and gave it everything he has.
Mascots are fine and great, but sometimes they’re just not enough. When the mascot is unable to grab the crowd by their souls, it’s time for the number one fan to step in and get-er-done. Watch the video above at least eight times to sap the maximum amount inspiration.
Fan-dancing rule of thumb: The quality or precision of your moves is nowhere near as importance as the effort and grandeur of them. Just go for it.
That's it, follow those nine steps and you'll be a number one fan in no-time. The bigger you go, the quicker your status will be recognised by the UKBONOF (United Kingdom Bureau of Number One Fans).
-Lind
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